cafe au lait

the French have a ridiculous culture and I don’t respect it

I made a damn fool of myself ordering a cafe au lait today. They brought it out in a huge honking soup bowl. To be fair, I was warned by the waitress. She asked what I would like, and I said “A cafe au lait, please.” She said, “Okay, it’s served in a bowl, is that okay with you?” I just said, “Oh, okay, and whole milk is fine,” like the most natural thing in the world, figuring she meant it was a large cappuccino mug. Or maybe it was a “Bol,” some sort of French dinnerware I just made up but had never encountered. I didn’t want to seem like an idiot.

I was meeting up with a friend for the first time. I use that godforsaken app bumble bff. I’ve actually had some great luck with it and have made lifelong friends. But when I recommend it to other people, they end up meeting like, Casey Anthony. Or someone who is way too into Steve Universe.

The girl across from me, this was her first friend date from the app. She was new in town and wasn’t sure what to expect. Up until that point, until I had to parse what was meant by a cafe au lait bowl, I thought I was coming across nonchalant and cool. This is a feat for someone like me, high-strung like a greyhound. “Don’t be Casey Anthony,” I thought. “Don’t be weird.”

When the waitress rounded the corner with this monster soup bowl balanced on her tray next to my new friend’s tiny, reasonable latte glass, I realized my error. She meant a literal bowl — filled to the brim with steamed milk and a splash of coffee. It sloshed expectantly when she set it down in front of me.

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry, can I get this in a cup?” I asked, nervously, as if they might take me out back and shoot me for sending something back. Which, you know, I think should be permitted, sometimes.

For a second I considered playing it off: No, this is what I wanted! Exactly. Mm, yummy, let me grab a spoon.

They obviously obliged. But I could picture the trickster restauranteur who made the menu. It was sort of the perfect prank. Oh, you’d like to seem elegant at this fake French cafe in the middle of Los Angeles? Too good for a regular drip coffee or latte, you fuck? This is what you get for your folly. A cereal bowl of hot and frothy milk. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Anyways, the French have a ridiculous culture and I don’t respect it.

If you’ve ever drank a Cafe Au Cait out of a bowl, please comment below. I need to know if you lapped it up like a dog or not.