doing what makes you happy
oh god please shoot and kill me
you never really know what experiences are going to end up being valuable. events, people and places can only take on meaning in the retrospect. in my experience, when you try to predict meaning, force it, you end up killing the magic.
when I did radio in college, it was because I was bored, and it was because I wanted to do radio. I had no inkling that the outcome would be lifelong friends and a foot in the door into the most meaningful work of my life so far: audio production for a company that supports people living with cancer.
if I had gone into college radio expecting to be a broadcaster, expecting to become central to the music scene in that city… I would have been thoroughly disappointed, and my experience would have been soured. those things did not end up happening. what actually happened I couldn’t have imagined.
sometimes setting expectations can be like horse blinders to other opportunities, as much as they bar you from living in the present and enjoying/ appreciating what you have.
you can’t offer blanket advice. some people absolutely need the advice “plan for the future” and “think ahead.” in my case, I realize I needed to be told the opposite. i’m a planner and a driver who sometimes forgets their heart.
(which ends up oozing out, when I write and when I paint, as we know)
in the past, the plans I would make would be routinely against my best interests. they were always to serve something else, some idea of what I was “supposed” to do. it’s not that I didn’t have an idea of what I wanted. it’s that the noise of cultural messaging is often squashing and confusing.
I’m supposed to make good choices. I’m supposed to be smart. but what is good? what is smart?
I don’t think the over-educated and over-worked and under-paid office worker has made smart choices. and it’s funny to think much of our educational system is geared to set people up for that kind of lifestyle, because it’s so deeply unsatisfying. I mean if you just really live your life on automatic, that’s what happens.
if I think “what should I do?” I fall into the delusion of seeking security. legitimately my brain goes “well then you should go to a trades school for 4 years and becoming a union carpenter, or better yet, you could become a software developer.” despite having 0 demonstrated interest in either of these things. these ideas do not excite me. these ideas just feel like on-paper good options.
what is that about? I think because “should’s” kill you.
—
there’s one question I wish I would have asked myself much, much earlier. and it’s a question that you actually have to learn how to honestly answer. you have to reconcile with your self-doubt when you ask this question. you have to really investigate where your answer is coming from. you have to be certain. you have to be unafraid of the obstacles.
oh man i’m silly. i’m so silly. you’re going to think i’m silly. the question is “what would make me happy right now?”
“what would make me happy right now?” in the past few years has become an important framework for me. it’s a necessary and good place for discovery.
the premise is really, really simple. if it makes me happy now I will do it. when it starts to make me unhappy, I can ask myself that question again. I can always change my answer and I can always go in a new direction.
and fundamentally, it’s a worthwhile pursuit, situational happiness. this is unlike other pursuits - for money, status, comfort - because once you have an ounce of them, you want more. you might even make compromises to get them. (which will cost you).
with situational happiness - or SATISFACTION - it’s either something you have or you don’t. and only you, no one else, can know if you do.
there’s either at least one satisfying thing about your work. or there’s not. same with the place you live, and the people you’re with. there are going to be tradeoffs. there is no heaven on earth in that sense. but only you can determine if you’re comfortable with the tradeoffs in your life. and as you can imagine it’s really, really tricky when you’ve gotten good at lying to yourself.
part of the key to the success of the question is that it asks: RIGHT NOW. so you can’t put it off onto who you might be in 5 or 10 years. future you might as well be an entirely different person. hell, tomorrow me is a different person. I have no problem giving that bitch a hangover or extra chores/ work to do.
which is sort of where my “stint at the radio station” anecdote ties in. if you’re living for current you, you’ll probably, through serendipity, lead yourself into more moments and situations that will continue to make you happy. even as you grow and want different things.
—
I want to touch on again what I meant by “you have to be unafraid of obstacles” earlier. for me, asking this question unveils a really uncomfortable amount of ambition. I think it’s just in me. i’ve got 6 Capricorn placements. in my life, I have steered this willpower and ambition to hustle my way into things that have made me miserably depressed. and it has left me with a deep anxiety and a void when i’m purposely being lazy. we’re not going to get into that right now. but there’s that idea - that we don’t want to own up to ourselves, in some way. because sometimes in our shadow is the key to our happiness.
asking this question (“what would make me happy right now?”) is a bit like staring into your soul. you have to ask it earnestly. as a seeker. and any amount of delusion or ignorance will draw you away further from the truth.
the truth is, the things that are going to make you happy, going to make you satisfied, are going to be hard to achieve. that is hard to face.
and, here’s the thing, every path has insurmountable obstacles. every life is hard. whatever is spiraling out before you in a million horrible little decision trees that make up the stuff of a life, I don’t care who you are, is going to be hard.
your grocery cashier - his life is hard. the touring comedian - her life is hard. the trust fund baby - yes, even their life is hard. and you! your life is hard!
I was hanging out drinking wine and watching an episode of Dawson’s Creek at Julie’s, when she summed this up nicely. Julie, I’m so sorry because I know you read this substack and I can’t remember your wording quite right. But I believe it was something like: “I just realized there’s always going to be A Thing. I was dealing with A Thing a few years ago and now I’m dealing with A Thing today and there’s going to be A Thing in the future. And that’s what life is. It’s just dealing with things. It doesn’t stop.”
so there’s no opt out button. I figure if you’re going to be dealing with risks, let-downs, and obstacles anyways, why not deal with the hard shit that’s on the road to soul-satisfaction?
