grief like a lump

two cells in a petri dish talk about God

grief has turned you into a lump. all i want is for you to be present with me right now. i'm not asking for anything else. i talk to you and you're somewhere else, far away in your mind, in a field. i tell you some piece of news and you respond to words i didn't say.  maybe you can't be here with me right now, and i understand, it's because you're going through a lot. but that's where my frustration is coming from, and that's what i wanted to tell you, that i’m not angry, i just wish you could be present with me. for me. i think it would do you some good too, to be in this room and to be where your feet are. that's where life is happening.

there are two cells in a petri dish. they're talking to each other. one is a cell that will become part of the earth. the other is a cell that will become a particle of light. think of the human body, and how much of it is comprised of nonhuman cells. like gut bacteria, eyelash mites, that sort of thing. and! imagine how much nothing is in a body. empty space between the mitochondria and the nucleus, empty space between the cells themselves, empty space between an electron and another electron. much of our bodies is space occupied by nothing. it stands therefore that a beam of light could be comprised of mostly light beam, and exactly one organic cell. a particle of light is in a petri dish talking to a cell of the earth. 

"so, are you religious?"

"in a way, i mean i was raised catholic. i went through the whole 14 year old atheist reddit thing, but now i would say i'm catholic."

"yeah, about the same, but i wouldn't say i'm religious."

"okay yeah, i get that,"

"so, what do you believe then, that like," (sarcastically) "God is everywhere or whatever?"

(gracefully) "yeah exactly, more or less. the most hippie woo-woo way about it."

the light cell and the earth cell share an exasperated, firm look, like when you're trying to read if someone is offended, or if they want to tango, and at the same time thinking about if you even want to dance in this shitty night club.

"I'm a little turned off by the word spiritual, which is why i don't use it. i think buying into an institution can be important."

"so you stand by everything the church represents? you know, it stands for some pretty horrible things. child abuse, the crusades, bigotry,"

"no, i mean, obviously not. but the church is run by men. everything humans run gets corrupted because earth is a fallen place. nothing is perfect. but um, i think rituals are important. so is gathering with people with shared beliefs. i think virtue alone is great you know. i know a lot of atheists and agnostic people that are great people. but i think a belief in God makes virtue less random and arbitrary."

"come on now, you're intelligent, you can't really believe all this stuff. do you really believe in the christian idea of hell?"

"well no, don't be ridiculous. (some hesitation) "but i mean, yes, i do." 

"fire and brimstone? like, a red dude with horns? bro, nothing is funnier than an adult who thinks that satan, satan from the bible, is real." 

"what do you believe in then, nothing?"

"yeah i don't believe." (a little patronizing, but understandably so) "i really wanted to believe in something. you meet people that have faith and they just seem better adjusted, probably because it makes things simpler. it's a nice concept that something like a higher power can guide you, or you have somewhere to turn for comfort. but i thought about it enough and there's just no way of knowing. and i can't see any evidence for myself. it doesn't make sense to me to try to believe in a bearded white man sitting atop a cloud, watching you all the time, or that you'll go to some magical other place after death where you will be rewarded for good deeds." 

"i think that's the saturday morning cartoon version, lol. years ago i had this realization that everything i knew about God had come from what i had been told as a child. so i had a child’s understanding of religion, and of course that information had been watered down, made simple, easier. i had to look at it again, as an adult, to really understand what i was rejecting." 

"sure, but even then, what, am I going to read Augustine, Aquinas? probably not." (earnestly, now) "and look, what it boils down to... when you're dead, you're dead. i think we all like the idea that we will continue on after death, or that our loved ones can stay with us in that way. but that's delusional, and not the truth. that's cope."

a big pause.

"don't you *feel it* out there?"

"feel what?"

"the big mystery." (glancing away, and not getting it quite right) "so many things in this life can't be explained. i'm not so arrogant to question science, so why would I be so arrogant to question a different system that has helped us since the dawn of time? there are things we can't understand. and life is so confusing anyways, there's so much pain and suffering, random bad luck. people leaving, death, but also love. also happiness. i don't get why it all happens, and all i can do is accept the contradictions, and try to tap into something that is wiser and more ancient than me."

"i mean, okay, if that helps you."

"anything could happen, all the time. so i want to believe something created me. i want to believe there's a divine plan, and i don't have to worry about it- i just have to worry about not hurting other people and not hurting myself."

"i don't think we are going to agree on this. can we talk about something else?"

"yeah, sure." 

"what do you want to talk about?"

"so did you see yesterday about the supreme court ruling--"

the evening light vaporizes. the sun looks like a red orange cookie being dipped into the lake, and the water reflects back perfectly its face, except it never resurfaces. it just plunges down down down. and it will be awhile until the stars appear. we watch the sky like it's happening to us.