resolutions

My NYE resolution is to eat more chocolates and drink more cherry Coca Cola.

Do you have a New Year's resolution? We asked this of my friend’s boyfriend, who is from Norway. My dear friend and her boyfriend were visiting the states for the holidays, far away from their spot in the sun in Europe. The idea of setting a resolution for the new year, with some puritan goal of self-denial and self-betterment, as it turns out, isn’t universal. He replied: “to eat more chocolates and drink more sodas.” He then specified: “cherry Coca Cola.” My friend laughed and said, “that’s not what you’re supposed to do!” But later we came to the realization that he was right. It’s the perfect resolution.

In 2020 before the pandemic hit, I thought I was clever, telling my friends at my 24th birthday party in January that my resolution was to be more bored - to have more idle time. Because if I was bored more often, it would give me more opportunities for creativity. Looking back now, it feels so ominous, as if I somehow brought the pandemic, the lockdowns, and subsequent forced boredom onto all of us. What I was really hoping to do was reduce my screen time. Which I did not do. Monkey’s paw - we must not just take our wishes, but our resolutions, seriously, with all avenues considered. 

Although too often have I taken the cliche, “be careful what you wish for,” too seriously, and as a result have wished for nothing. Have desired and wanted nothing. Because I believed if I did not have wants, I could not possibly be disappointed.

I guess what I didn’t know until recently is that anticipation produces more “feel good hormones” (Serotonin? Dopamine? It’s sort of a bunk way to look at the science, anyways, as single impulses, moving in one direction) than actually getting what you want. That in prolonging the event, the arrival, the result, we can feel prolong the happy feeling. It’s why getting ready is more fun than going out and taking dating slow is satisfying. This information was transmitted to me via a TikTok video about breaking phone addiction, where they suggested to force yourself to wait a little bit before picking up your phone when you get a notification.

I am not really a believer in resolutions. It places too much pressure on the body and mind to think we can force ourselves into dramatic changes. It makes the process cumbersome and miserable. Habits and small steps really are what really matter if we want to live our lives differently. But, I don’t mind the dreaming, and I don’t mind making new promises.

Good resolutions involve delayed gratification. And I think it’s something we have to cultivate. There is no immediacy with habitual changes (imo, it’s most effective when these changes are barely perceptible). I am sometimes the person who can make a decision in an instant and stick with it. That’s how I quit smoking. But that was a case of “cutting it out,” while what I’m trying to do now is add more things in…

My promise to myself this year is to allow room for dreaming. To want more, and to believe I deserve what I want.

This comes with a smaller commitment, to myself, and to those dreams. To not just fantasize but take the baby steps. And to do so with joy, excitement - to follow what makes me feel good, rather than what I think I should be doing.

Some other day I will sort through my lists of things I want to do. But tonight, it is enough to be proud that I have written a full page, I have seen many people, I have eaten well + enough + not too much, I have drank carefully, I have walked out feeling good, I have more empathy for my family of origin, and I miss, truly miss, the people I am meant to love.

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The above is something I wrote in the starting days of 2022 while I was staying in the midwest. Catching up with a friend last night about what I’d been up to in the time since left me feeling breathless. It is only by chance this morning that I found this little written entry, and then my list of resolutions.

Looking at my resolutions there’s nothing I would change. Maybe if I was smarter I would’ve revisited this list periodically throughout this year. But checking in at least halfway through 2022, 6 months in, isn’t half bad, to re-affirm the promises I made to myself.

I wrote it for myself in the words that resonated most, that made the most sense to me, in a way that would be actionable. Meaning that sharing this list does feel vulnerable, showing my soft little underbelly. I wanted to edit it to take out the insecurities and make it more palatable. But I left it alone. So it’s a little corny but I think it’s something I stand by because, truly, I have made progress down the list. Some part of the ritual of writing + commitment works.

There is no way a January-me could have seen what this year was going to bring, which has been cataclysmic change but also intense joy, love and peace. These things coexist. There are certain seasons life is full of movement. And I’m not really sure there’s much we can plan for in the broader scheme of things, outside of the one constant which is change.

Anywho. Have a good one!